For better or worse?

 

Right now I am writing this from a dream of mine. Well, it could just as well be.

I’m “Carrie Bradshaw eat your heart out”-ing in a cafe in La Latina, Madrid, Spain.

Glass of wine, olives, happiness journal and laptop on the table. The buzz around me as comforting, as it is distracting, as it is necessary.

6 months ago back in Australia, if you told me I would have been here, I wouldn’t have necessarily called you crazy. I have a tendency to do things like this.

However, if you would have told me that I would be here in these circumstances and be feeling the way I do right now, well, I would have said far worse than that. Feeling how I do within myself right now 6 months ago was as distant a dream as the life I have lived here in Spain the last 3 months was back then. Yet, here we are.

And how did we get here? I mean, you’re reading this because you think maybe I have some kind of crazy cool insight into how you too can achieve a change, internal happiness, survive a breakup or learn to love being alone. Well, you know, I don’t know. I don’t know that there are specific actions that you need to take. Moreso, there are ways that you need to think and talk to yourself while you go through these things and prepare yourself to make and accept some changes. That is what will get you past the point of no return, out of your comfort zone, and enjoying your new life.

I wasn’t in the best place 6 months ago. If you asked my family or friends, they probably wouldn’t have had any idea the extent of it. Yea, so the break-up didn’t come as a great surprise to anyone really. It was something that had needed to happen for a while. But no one truly realised how un-myself and internally unhappy I had become. On the outside, I appeared much the same. No one realised how much convincing myself that this had to be enough had actually broken my spirit. I didn’t even realise it myself at the time. I was living it, stuck in it. Until one day I broke. I took the leap. I started the ball rolling and I started making changes that, like a game of dominoes from the first push, would mean my life would never be the same again. Terrifying, yes. Necessary, even more so.

What pushed me to take the first step?

It started with booking a holiday to Thailand with my mum. I needed some space. That wasn’t the first ‘domino’ so to speak. But it was the first step of me setting them all up to fall perfectly, one by one. The moment I landed in Thailand, I felt a weight lift. A weight I didn’t even know I was carrying. And that was it. My ‘ah-ha’ moment. I HAD to feel like this all the time. Why the hell shouldn’t I? I could not go back, pick up where I left off, and feel that weight again.

So, I took a chance. I returned from Thailand. I ended my relationship. I accepted an offer for a University in Madrid. I packed up my house. I brought a plane ticket. And now here I am. Doing something that I told myself I would do 5 years ago on my first European trip.. living in Spain. I actually can’t believe it some days.

No, I’m not rich. No, I was not prepared. Yes, I am a little crazy.

All that just means, you can do it too! For real.

What’s the lesson?

If you’re going through something or are stuck in something right now that doesn’t feel right… you don’t need me to tell you. You don’t even need to say it out loud. You know. And I’m talking to a part of you right now so deep inside you it’s freaking you out a little.

So, now that you know that I know… listen here. You don’t need to be the smartest, bravest or richest person in the world.. even within a 100km radius.. to be able to stand up to yourself and make a change that will light you up inside.

It is scary. I know. And I know it is easy to stick in the relationship that has you feeling bored but comfortable. It’s easy to stay in the job that has you tired and uninspired but pays the bills. It’s easy to stay in the town you grew up in because you know what to expect there day after day after day… BUT you’ve no idea what it feels like to satisfy that little part inside of you that is constantly wondering, each and every day, ‘what more is out there for me’?

Every day when I wake up now I know that, whether it is a good or a bad day, I have chosen this. I am paving my path. If I don’t achieve what I want to achieve, well, that’s on me. No one and nothing is holding me back now. I am solely responsible for my successes and my failures and I plan on making the most of both of them on this new journey.

Ok, that’s all. Cue the bill.. xx

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22 thoughts on “For better or worse?”

  1. Good on YOU Kellie. Great reading. I like your adventureous spirit. Pity about the relationship but I definitely understand the meaning of “spirit crushed”, have been there recently. You are so brave to leave all the family behind and follow your dreams. Good luck for the future. Pauline. XOXO

    1. Thanks so much Pauline!
      I hope you’re bouncing back from feeling that way too.
      Thanks so much for the beautiful comment. xoxoxox

    1. Krashana! What a blast from the past. Thanks so much girl. Miss you and hope you and the family are all well!!! xo

  2. So proud of you dear. Good to know that you gave priority to yourself, because ultimately that’s the way to be happy. Hope many people take inspiration from you and follow their dreams.

    1. I really hope so too Priya. It is such a good feeling and everyone deserves to know what it feels like.
      Thanks for taking the time to read this. xo

    1. I am also in university over here in Madrid. So I’m sure I could get some great advice from your website. Heading over there to check it out right now.
      xoxoxo

  3. I enjoyed reading this! I had my ah-ha moment 3 years ago and travelled the world for 2,5 while working. Best decision I ever made 🙂

    1. That sounds amazing. Every woman knows exactly when their ah-ha moment was if they have had one, am I right? haha
      Thanks so much for reading xo

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