What am I thinking?
I had just got back from driving up to Brisbane on Saturday. I had to drop my dog off and all my belongings because, as I don’t do things by halves, on top of going through a breakup – I am also moving to Madrid, Spain. I was surprised with myself and how ‘OK’ I was this time around with the breakup. It was pretty mutual and (at least initially) we were on good terms. After four years though, how was I doing so well at being alone? How was I so fine? When was it all going to hit me? Or was I now such a fierce and independent woman that not only did I need no man, but, I didn’t even need to mourn the end of my 4-year relationship either..?
Then, I arrived home after Brisbane. To my empty house. To my suitcases packed for Madrid. My dog Rocco in Brisbane and me in Sydney, with just Netflix and Uber Eats for company, while I wait to fly out to Madrid the next day. And BAM, there it was. I was lonely. Not lonely actually, but ALONE. As alone as I had felt in an extremely long time. Turns out I do need a man. And he had been by my side keeping me together through all this without my knowledge. His name is Rocco and he is a dog haha. I’ve never felt so alone than in that moment though. SO SINGLE, so alone, eating a laksa, hungover in my lounge room, knowing that the next leg of my journey (while SO exciting), at first, was going to be even lonelier than I was in that moment.
Living my dream? Or running away?
I mean, it truly is the ultimate distraction, isn’t it… taking it one step further than blocking your ex on all social media and deleting his phone number – just move countries! This is something I’ve been wanting to do forever though. A dream of mine for 5 years now. From the moment I first landed in Barcelona with my friend Kirsten on my first European trip I knew – I MUST live in Spain one day. I settled for the easier option in 2013 when I lived in London for two years. That was amazing and so formative. This was what I had always dreamt of though. Speaking Spanish every day, studying internationally, living with a bunch of Europeans, wandering the calles, eating tapas and drinking Tinto de Verano. Vale! Be careful what you wish for though.. I think that there are some really truly lonely times ahead for me in the coming few weeks while I get into my routine, make friends and rediscover myself as an individual. That is exactly what you need to go through at a crossroads in your life though I know, it doesn’t mean it will be easy. Being alone with my own thoughts – truly alone – for the first time in so long will be interesting. To do it with a European backdrop though makes me a pretty lucky gal!
I plan on throwing myself into my studies and my business while absorbing the culture. I also need to find out who Kellie is without the complex or preconception of my history and life in Australia around me. I want to figure myself out (so cliche, I knew, bleh, sorry) and fall in love with myself again, flaws and all! Then maybe I’ll believe in love outside of that again too, which would be great. At the moment I’m feeling pretty unsure of the whole forever thing… maybe for other people but I’m not sure if that’s my destiny at this point..?
Is it pessimistic to think that my life is just a series of moments..?
People of the moment.
Places of the moment.
Passions of the moment.
Enjoyments of the moment.
Priorities of the moment.
Need of the moment.
Wants of the moment.
I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone else but I really feel as though this is how my life has played out. And while in each of these moments I’ve loved hard and given my everything, always these moments pass. Whether by my choice or not. And as intensely I was in one moment, I seem to be thrust into another.
My last ‘moment’ did last across 4 years. But just as soon as I had returned to Australia, started studying again, set up a life in Sydney and given everything I had to that moment, I’m just as passionately now into the next one! Single, sitting in an airport again, awaiting a flight to my next grand adventure.
Looking forward to sharing the journey with you as I sort my shit out… xx