I don’t really know how to describe it.
It feels so weird because it doesn’t feel weird at all.
But at the same time I kind of feel really numb to it. Like I’m someone else looking in at the feeling. Understanding its complexity but also somewhat removed from the reality of it.
I think that’s called self-preservation. If I felt this in its raw and undiluted form I’m not sure how I’d cope to be honest.
You make me want to be a better person. Not in the way that I need you in order to be. But when I’m with you, any thought of settling for mediocre in my life, the world around me or my own ability just seems ridiculous. You make me want to be better for myself. It’s not even for you. Which is some strange kind of awesome because that’s the most important thing. I wake up as me every day. Why am I trying to please everyone else first?
You make me want to know more. And to understand more. And to appreciate more.
You make me think about things in a way that I haven’t really wanted to in the past. I’ve always appreciated other perspectives and understood how your environment and experiences shape this. But I’ve actually taken it another layer down and really got deep into understanding some things and it’s been so amazing.
I feel like I can say anything to you. I’ve never felt like that before. I’ve never been able to be my uncensored self like that. I’m a pretty open book and I say what I feel but this is just a next level kind of freedom that I’m not sure I can live without now. It so scary. To be like that though. Because if rejected, that’s pure Kellie being rejected.
You’ve experienced absolute me. 100% to the core. I feel so vulnerable about it but I just trust the shit out of you with it. It’s so fucking crazy.
Maybe you’ve felt that before. And it’s just something I’ve been missing out on all this time? I think it makes us pretty special though, to have had that from the start. I hope you were the same with me and, if you were, what I got from you I could seriously fall in love with.
Sometimes I’m not sure and sometimes I think we are exactly what each other needs in all the ways we are similar and all the ways we are different too. We need the kind of excitement that only dating someone like this can provide. We could always be discovering something about each other.
I can imagine us being a part of each other’s lives.
Part of each other’s lives as an enhancement to who we already are and will be individually. Not in a way that we need each other to be who we should and could be.
Is all this I think I’m feeling real, or ideal? Sometimes I don’t know which is which.
I just really hope I won’t make a fool of myself writing this. Because for you it was all so average and meaningless? But I meant right now what do I have left to lose?
Well, there it is. And I’m currently single and living in Spain, so you can probably imagine how it all turned out. (well, I was single at the time I drafted this fast forward ending 😉 stay tuned for the next update <3 )
No hard feelings though. You live and you learn. Everything and everyone in my life up to this point has contributed to my ability to be where I am right now, love who I am and be living my best life.
Don’t shy away from risk. Don’t close yourself off. Don’t be too afraid of the hurt… its all leading to where you should be and giving you the lessons you need to make the most of your next destination along the way.
Even though it didn’t turn out how I thought I might want it to, I really do owe this person a big thank-you for letting me feel that at the time. They know who they are..