Ok, so. It’s been known to happen before. And will probably happen again. But yes, I may have slightly overreacted.
My last blog post, although I didn’t really realise it at the time, had a pretty sombre tone. Especially for someone who was moving to SPAIN (seriously, what is my life?). I was expecting some pretty tough times my first week or two. Emotionally that is. I was expecting this year to all come bearing down on me and I was also dreading this inevitable feeling of loneliness that comes with a break-up and starting from scratch in a foreign country.
Turns out, I may have underestimated myself. The kind of ‘alone’ I have been feeling since moving to Madrid is actually the best kind of alone I’ve ever felt. I am SO HAPPY. Capitals are not enough. Being here right now and ALONE just feels so right.
Don’t get me wrong. I am an extremely social person and I thrive on interaction with others. Experiencing things with other people is my greatest joy in life. But the alone that I am when I walk to my bus stop to go to university each morning.. when I’m taking my morning walk past Palacio Real.. when I’m walking up to Gran Via to go do some shopping.. when I’m studying in my room.. when I’m sunbaking on my terrace… these are the best kinds of alone I’ve ever felt. I am truly alone here in the purest sense. I am just me here. Noone knows who I am. No assumptions. No expectations. I don’t owe anyone anything and nor do they owe me. That’s how I am discovering who I really am deep down. In a city where I can be ANYONE I want to be, who am I?
It really is true that you need to be someone that makes you happy. Your relationships and experiences outside of this can then enhance your enjoyment of life, but they should not serve the purpose to be solely responsible for your happiness. I mean, we hear it every time we go through a break-up, don’t we. “You need to learn to be by yourself for a while” or something along those lines. I never really fully appreciated what was behind this statement until now.. if I’m capable of being happy by myself, I’m capable of being happy anywhere! It’s not to say don’t date new people or don’t make new friends, just be mindful of what you’re expecting from these things. Don’t just try to fill the gap with noise and fluff. Sometimes you need the silence. That is where your true inner self resides.
Learning to be happy alone also means I can bring my own happiness into my future relationships and friendships. What a relief for the next poor bloke to date me haha.. and the new friends I will make here in Madrid.. because we all know it is exhausting trying to make someone who is unhappy happy. And it shouldn’t be anyone else’s job but your own.
Just thought I’d give you an update and if this helps anyone else who is going through anything similar then that’s a bonus.
I’ll be back with all things life, love, food, travel and Madrid ASAP. My university classes here are pretty intense AND in Spanish, so it’s taking all my mental energy there (when I’m not drinking in the sun somewhere too decompress). <3